Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

*files a restraining order against reality*

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.