Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
You Might Also Like
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.