Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
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Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”