coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism: