Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

These are too funny not to post 😂

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”