Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

I gave up going to work for lent.

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones