coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I can’t deal with men any longer
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
the council will decide your fate
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Bruh PLEASE
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?