Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

My typo game is string.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

My loaf of bread looks terrified

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you