Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.