Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*