Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.