Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver