Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Just bought a universal remote control.

…I really wish, this changes everything..

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”