“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Who did it better?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
In case you needed to hear it:
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
How it started: How it’s going: