People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair
GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit
summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.