@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

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@realHamOnWry

Not to brag, but I never had to take a vow of celibacy. It just kinda happened naturally.

@UtterlyTC

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

@KardashianReact

there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair

@AbbieEvansXO

GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit

@lil_escher

summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking

@suzieQ0007

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

@guskenworthy

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

@tweeterreader36

To the co-worker who had a 17 min conversation with me and didn’t tell me I had a smudge on my forehead. It’s on!!

@mommywhitfield

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.