COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

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[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*


Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.


If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.


I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.


guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.


WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.


My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.


By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”