COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
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waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
describing stardew valley
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.