COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
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The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?