COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete