Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

“Theirye’re” problem solved

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

Hey i am sexy to you now

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful