Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

Ape together strong

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.