Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

Wolves should really raise more people.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok