Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.