Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Danger is very dangerous

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.