Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

When you’re here for the treats.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working