Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.