Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Website: Are you a robot?

Me: *sighs* Man, if only.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo