Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Care for your back

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep