Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?