Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

There’s never enough good news

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged