Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

Trying

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.