OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
TEACHER: how was your summer?
STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here
interviewer: very good