Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Ah yes. The three genders
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.