@thejamietighe

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

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@radtoria

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

@dru0887

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

@KalvinMacleod

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

@HlaoRoo

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

@EndhooS

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@aidanjsears

ALEX TREBEK: it says here that you are on jeopardy
ME: correct
AT: this can’t be your fun fact
ME: *whispers* i don’t have anything else ok

@lovejulieacafe

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

@mrjohndarby

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good