Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.