coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”