Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
You Might Also Like
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!