Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.