Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

me irl

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.