Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

🤔😂😂

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice