Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
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Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
awkward
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
first you must answer his riddles
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear