coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave