coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
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[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!