Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Tapped in

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

craving $300 all of a sudden

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.