Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

sugar glider wrangler

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

#oldknees

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.