Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

spot the difference

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

*struts into the new year
~ trips

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?