*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
This rocks
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead