Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

I just tested negative for patience.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

😭😭

People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.