Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children