Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My therapist after every session
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
The answer is funnier than the question
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*