Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.