Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.