Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back