coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
United Steaks of America
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.