Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

True story 🤣

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.