Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Me: time to be better with my finances

Them: you could stop buying things

Me: not like that

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better