coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
no
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.