coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
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Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
kids play hide and seek like
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make