Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

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The Chosen Phew

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

quarantine day 3

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.