coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Venn
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..