coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
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I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.