Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!