Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

(yawn)

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?