COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My blood type is b hungry.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.