Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Is your wife single?

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.