Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.