Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

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[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.