Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try

[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

edward fingerhands

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait