Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.