Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
United Steaks of America
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.