Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
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My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It was worth a shot 😂
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!