Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

I’m going to need a moment here.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Sing it!

Yoga Matt

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?