coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis