Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.