coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
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“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?